peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
