I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
