Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
