he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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