Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
