party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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