After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
