My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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