the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
