The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
