Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
