Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
