The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hell yes lets make some ravioli
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
