All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He better not be in your backpack
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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