I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
