Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
