I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
