man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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