He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
