I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
