That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
