Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
