I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
