Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
