Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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