Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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