My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
