ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
