Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
