Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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