my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
