I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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