dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
