your thong is hanging out like whoa
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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