i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
