I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
