The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
