I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
