I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
