The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
