can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
