Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
