we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
