I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
