Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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