He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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