I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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