yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
