Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
