True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
