I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
