Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
