i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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