Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
